What on Earth is Adult Dating all About?

Adult dating in the context of this article refers to a date or a relationship (be it in real life or virtual) where sex or physical gratification is the main purpose of the union. The no strings attached adult dating industry has been booming in recent years, it is anonymous, risky and offers instant satisfaction without the need for a long term relationship.

Many people have fulfilled their widest fantasies by taking advantage of adult dating sites via the Internet. In most cases this would simply be impossible without a platform that introduced like minded people. Many sites specialise in certain areas of adult dating, or indeed specific sexual areas, it is possible to click your way and find willing participants for any of the following:

– No strings attached sexual partner

– 3 in a bed or group sex partners

– Photo exchange partners

– Phone sex, email sex or cyber sex partners

If you are new to adult dating, you maybe surprised to learn that a number of your potential partners are married or already in long term relationships with other people. This is quite common throughout the adult dating industry; this is because it is most often not a relationship that is on offer but physical kicks. Often these types of people will have different priorities in life, so it is best not to judge too quickly. In some cases, a married couple will take part in adult dating together; some will do so with permission from their partners, while many will be actively deceptive.

One of the main differences in the adult dating world is the mind set and attitude. It is one of free love, sexual experimentation and risk. This is not an ideal scenario for a lot of people, so they are quick to judge. What they fail to consider is that adult dating takes place between two consenting adults, just because what they do does not fit with their expectations of social responsibility it does not mean it is wrong.

Its interesting to theorise why people join an adult dating community. I suspect that a lot of it is simply about sex. In same cases, it may be difficult to find partners who will agree or take part in particular fantasies you want to try. Ive read that married men often join because their wife will not perform certain sexual activities with them; on the other hand there are a lot of frustrated wives who jump at the chance of receiving sexual satisfaction.


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Understanding Addiction to Paid Sex

Sex addiction, when it comes in the form of paid sex, can have a greater negative impact on a person’s life than some other sex addiction behaviors. Not only can it form a dependence on faulty relationships, but can cause financial, legal, and health problems.

Paid sex comes in many forms, from the most common phone sex to the highest profile, prostitution, but all are forms of sex addiction.

Phone sex is one of the easiest to access version of paid sex, but because the calls are charged by the minute, it can quickly become a large financial burden for a person with sex addiction seeking this as an outlet. Phone sex offers a level of intimacy, or false intimacy, if you will, above pornography, but allows for some distancing, making it an attractive option for an addict looking for a minimal degree of intimacy but may be too shy or lack the social skills to obtain sex in another fashion.

A number of things can occur during phone sex. Different services offer different options, and paid sex workers, sometimes referred to as “fantasy artists” or “adult phone entertainers,” are usually trained to provide these various services to callers. The conversations can include suggestive language, descriptions of sexual acts, the verbal acting out of sexual acts, or guided sex tours. These things can revolve around taboos or other acts the caller does not have access to in real life. Callers will often masturbate during the conversations or shortly after.

Someone who uses phone sex to cope with a problem or fill a need can quickly find him or herself in a large amount of credit card debt, or with a high phone bill. If the person is suffering a true sex addiction, the initial “sticker shock” may not have enough shock value at first to get them to stop, and in fact can escalate the addiction by incurring even more credit card and phone bills. This can cause a downward spiral, with the financial pressure pushing the sex addict deeper into the behavior, or causing them to seek other outlets for it. If they are left unstopped, they may resort to criminal behavior to pay for phone sex, such as stealing cell phones or credit cards.

Because of the level of human interaction going on, a person with this addiction can develop an unrealistic sense of what a real relationship entails. If the behavior carries on for a long time and the sex addiction is deep enough, it can prevent a person from forming valid relationships when the opportunity arises, or sabotaging an existing relationship. The sex addict comes to rely on these “relationships” as real. Phone sex is considered cheating by many, and because of the billing situation can be difficult for a sex addict to conceal. This can lead to emotionally charged and unexpected scenarios when the spouse or partner discovers their significant other is not only in debt, but had been paying for phone sex.

Aside from paid phone sex, an addict can also use Websites that have a paying component. There is an abundance of free pornography online, however, and while these Websites are able to do business, a sex addict who is relying on them has them as less costly options compared to phone sex or prostitution.

Like phone sex, prostitution raises a cost issue which we have covered. Besides financial ramifications, prostitution presents significant health risks to the addict, not the least of which are sexually transmitted diseases. Prostitution is also illegal in most places and is usually surrounded by other illegal activities and violent people supporting and practicing them. A person with a sex addiction who sees prostitutes on a regular basis also exposes him or herself to legal consequences which can damage a reputation or cost a person their marriage, family, relationships or job.

A sex addict using prostitution may be seeking a level of intimacy not found with other forms of sexual release available to them. While the interaction may simulate the intimate parts of a real relationship, it only leads the sex addict to develop a poor understanding of meaningful romantic interaction. And like phone sex, it can stunt or block a valid relationship from forming or destroy an existing one.

Prostitution, and to a lesser extent, phone sex, also creates a false power dynamic that can add to the distorted idea of what a relationship should be. The prostitute is a paid contractor, and will perform sex acts the client might not otherwise be able to engage in with someone not performing for money. The prostitute is in a subservient position more akin to an employee rather than a caring romantic partner. This may become part of the attraction to the person with this addiction and they may carry some of the mindset into a real relationship by attempting to trade favors, gifts, or affection for sex.

The 6 Major Consequences of Sex Addiction

Sex addiction is a devastating disorder that comes with many severe consequences. According to the website Psych Central, “Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts.”

The progressive nature of the disorder, combined with the compulsion to commit increasingly risky sexual behaviors can lead to damaging results. Some of the most common behaviors committed by sex addicts include masturbation, pornography viewing, sexual activities with multiple partners, partner sexualization or objectification, engaging in simultaneous or repeated affairs, engaging in cyber or phone sex, risky sexual activity, attending strip clubs, soliciting prostitutes and visiting adult bookstores. The consequences of these behaviors run the gamut from social to spiritual.

1. Social Consequences
The social consequences of sex addiction can be severely damaging for individuals. Addicts unwillingly become drawn into their sexual behaviors and over time become distant to loved ones. They feed on the solitude of the addiction and find more ways to isolate themselves so they can “act out” in their obsessive and compulsive unwanted sexual behaviors. Broken spousal or partner relationships, strained family relationships and loss of friendship are all common social consequences of this addiction.

2. Emotional Consequences
Emotionally, sex addicts face an uphill struggle. As they battle their addiction, they experience a broad spectrum of emotions including anxiety and extreme stress, shame, guilt, boredom, and despair. The stress and anxiety stem from the fear of being caught. As the addiction progresses, addicts engage in behaviors that fall outside of their moral boundaries, which ultimately lead to feelings of guilt and shame. Boredom may be difficult to understand, but with addicts there is a constant need to increase the intensity of their behaviors. If they are unable to intensify their activities, then they will naturally become bored and possibly frustrated. Ultimately, despair overcomes sex addicts because they are unable to stop their behaviors in spite of their desire to recover.

3. Health Consequences
Sexual addiction can also come with serious health risks and consequences. Unprotected sex with multiple partners puts addicts at risk for sexually transmitted diseases. Additionally, these individuals tend to put themselves in dangerous situations to achieve their sexual gratification. This is particularly common as the addiction progresses and the need to intensify the sexual behaviors increases.

4. Legal Consequences
The compulsion to commit sexual acts may bring about legal consequences when the sex addict feels compelled to engage in unlawful activities. These activities include sexual harassment, making obscene phone calls, exhibitionism, voyeurism, prostitution, rape, incest, child pornography and child molestation. As the disease progresses and the addict regresses he or she takes more risks to intensify the payoff of their sexually addictive behaviors. This for some, leads to severe legal consequences.

5. Financial Consequences
Sex is a huge industry in the world today. Therefore, it is easy to understand how this addiction can lead to serious financial consequences. Engaging in sexual activities – visiting strip clubs, soliciting prostitutes, purchasing pornographic paraphernalia, phone sex, live sex shows, web cams, porn membership sites, sex toys and adult movies and so many other available sexually addictive media- can become a financial burden for someone with a addiction. Combine the extra expenses with poor job performance at work and one finds the potential for financial trouble. Sex addicts can face a downgrade in pay, or worse yet, lose their jobs as a result of poor performance and dereliction of duties.

6. Spiritual Consequences
Moreover, sex addicts face spiritual consequences as a result of their addiction. Many people who struggle with this issue experience loneliness, resentment, self-pity and self-blame. Together, these emotions are spiritually damaging. The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health states that “these consequences are progressive and predictable. The addict tends to minimize the consequences and blame others for them. When the blaming stops, recovery begins. The consequences can become the instruments for change if they can be truly recognized and accepted instead of denied.”

Therefore recognizing the consequences of sex addiction is an important part of the recovery process. However, the addict himself and those around him need to be willing to accept the consequences and acknowledge the need to change. The sex addict needs to accept responsibility in order for true change to begin.

Phone Sex – a Secret Yet Viable Home Based Business

I was dared to do it. I could not think of any reasons not to atleast try it. I was stunned at how easy it was to set up and start making money.

Sounds good doesn’t it? Well, that part is all true, it is easy to set up and start a phone sex business. It is fun, exciting, and very good for your ego. All of the things you can imagine about having a secret identity, a late night world of fetishes, kinks, mysterious men who have secrets they need to share with SOMEONE. I can go on for months telling you all the positive things about the phone sex business. I can go on for years telling you anecdotes and tidbits of ‘the other side’, and maybe someday I will sit down and write it all out. Maybe, but probably not.

I should add that there are a lot of reasons NOT to start a phone sex business as well.

Moral reasons (these don’t seem as valid to me as they might to someone else),
Time constraints (vampires get more sleep than you will),
Hard work (yes, hours everyday of paperwork, website maintenance, staffing/employment issues, advertising and promotion),
Fluctuating Income (summer is slower),
Friends and Family ( not everyone can handle the exitment!)

Now, after 4 years in the business, I don’t think I will be leaving. This fits nicely in my lifestyle, and it certainly can in yours too. There are things to consider, do you want to work for someone else, earing money on the phone, which is a lot easier, or do you want to start your own empire, and do all the hardwork yourself? Oh, there is another option, do you want to just promote phone sex companies as an affiliate, and earn a commission for your work. There are benefits to each option, as well as many combinations of options that can work for you. My best advice is to approach it like any other small business; work hard, be smart, keep your eyes and ears open for advice, and always try to learn something new.

I don’t have to tell anyone how to have phone sex, it seems to come naturally to those who are interested in trying it. I can tell you, if you really think you need to be told. I do suppose it would be like leaving the training wheels on your two wheeler even though they could have already been removed.

My best advice to anyone regarding the calls is:

Be honest and sincere to the callers. They can tell if you are feeding them a line just to get through another 5 minutes of work. Who wants to listen to bullshit?
Research various fetishes, kinks, and fantasies. You don’t have to know everything, but it is a lot more profitable if you know something about what people are interested in talking about. If you are not familiar with something, say so upfront. The caller will appreciate it, even if he does decide to call someone else.
Don’t answer your phone if you are not focused and in a ‘ready to work’ mood. Its obvious to anyone who calls if you are making dinner or doing the laundry.
Be professional. Callers sometimes like to talk about other phone sex services. Keep secrets, don’t gossip, and remember to respect the other phone sex workers that you know (even the ones you don’t know!)
Don’t fight over callers (it happens!) There are more than enough callers out there, no need for catfights!

I think this is enough for today. Don’t want to over do it in one sitting. (oh, thats my best piece of advise; always leave them wanting more!)

Cassie Jones
I have many phone sex websites, and although its not likely appropriate to list them here, you can find them online. Just search for phonesexmania and you will find me.

The Vicious Cycle of Adult ADD, Shame, and Sexual Compulsion

Brian is an investment banker in his early forties who, in graduate business school, first began to visit prostitutes, spend money on phone sex, compulsively masturbate and, finally spend as much as 5-10 hours a day looking at internet porn. When sexually acting out, he would feel that someone had turned on his brain for the first time. On the net, he would suddenly feel alive. He had energy and felt the euphoria that sexual immersion seductively provides. His mind slowed down; he didn’t need to keep moving.

Since his teens, he had masturbated nearly every night before going to sleep and sometimes once or twice during the day as well. He was shy in school and dated infrequently, partly from his feelings of inadequacy from the persistent inability to concentrate, multiple failures, disapproval from parents, teachers and peers and the consequent demoralization that contributed to low self-esteem.

Undergraduate school had been difficult for him. Complex mathematical formulations from his economics courses were tape-recorded while he fantasized about looking under the girl’s shirt who sat next to him. He was chronically late at classes, his dorm was messy and his clothes were disheveled. He seemed to live in another world. Once on the job, he loved the thrill, excitement and risk of being a trader, but when he had to sit in boardrooms to listen to his bosses talk about strategy, his “eyes glazed over” with boredom and he entered into an “erotic haze”. He would fantasize about the escort he had been with the night before and anticipated getting home after a long day to get on the chat rooms and look at pornography on the internet.

His days were the usual business of forgetting assignments and people’s names, of losing things and being chastised by bosses, as he had been by parents, for not being able to sit still or follow directions. At home, he felt empty, depressed and lonely. He was unable to focus on a book or a movie. He often felt different than others. It was as though others were given a chip at birth that allowed them to remember simple things, to process information accurately, to complete tasks in an orderly fashion, to moderate their impulses and calm their bodies and mind when they wanted to. But Brian knew he was “different” from them. His girlfriend complained that he interrupted their conversations and that he always put his needs first from; He could never finish a task that wasn’t engrossing for him. He would lose his temper over trivial things and he didn’t know why. On the internet, however, looking at a montage of erotic images, he finally felt not scattered. Moreover, he felt soothed, whole and unafraid. Like a magic elixir, he would immediately feel “not different”. He felt alert, focused and alive. However, he soon found himself in job performance because of the long nights and weekends of compulsive sexing. He went to a 12-step “S” program and learned to stay away from compulsive sex. He married and got a promotion at work. Time passed as he worked his 12-step program and settled in to marriage. However, the impulse to call an escort or make an erotic phone call never went away.

One day, after two years of abstinence, he ran across an escort in a hotel who offered him her services and he could not think of a reason to refrain. Also, he had realized that his fantasies had taken on a distinct sadomasochist flavor and he had been curious about acting them out with this woman. He had been involved in a deal at work that went wrong and he felt “less than” and somewhat ashamed. Memories of shaming and humiliating remarks about his conduct and learning skills from teachers and parents came flooding back, precipitating his masochistic sexual fantasies. His sense of self was completely destabilized. So he did what had always worked for him when he felt psychologically fragmented: he went to an escort to shore up his fragile self esteem. Once again he would miraculously feel like he could live with himself. The non-stop put downs that had taken up permanent residence in his head were quieted, at least for a short period of time. Sex took the edge off like a few martinis do for an alcoholic.

The “quick fix” however, was followed by a crash which made him feel worse than he did before he went to the escort. Knowing he had once again lost control of himself, he would feel extremely remorseful and depressed. His feelings about himself bordered on self-loathing. After the crash, he no longer felt alert, focused, or euphoric. While Brian had been able to walk away from cocaine three years ago, the sex addiction had remained entrenched in his psyche: like an athlete’s foot of the mind — it called him — incessantly– an itch to be scratched but never soothed.

It was at this point that Brian decided that if he didn’t leave the house, he would not frequent escorts, and so he re-discovered the Internet. In no time at all, Vincent was spending untold minutes, hours, days totally absorbed in the internet, using chat rooms to set up erotic encounters, and exploring the fetishistic and S&M images and enticements of the cybersex world. Porn surfing became his medium of acting out because the images were flashy, intense, and risky and he could easily go to another web page when the novelty wore off and he would start to be bored.

What happened with Brian’s recovery? He seemed to have managed to avoid compulsive sex for a period of time and to make some positive changes in his life. But when faced with the opportunity, he was easily led to return to sex addiction.

In Brian’s case, he was not able to get a handle on his sex addiction because he had not been diagnosed and treated for Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. A particular constellation of imbalanced neurotransmitters were creating physical and emotional problems for him, including an inability to regulate attention, control impulses, sleeping, and mood and energy levels. His need to self-medicate his impulsivity, restlessness and mental hyperactivity gave way to using sexually compulsive behaviors to try to fix his brain chemistry. Poor impulse control combined with a drive for high-risk, intense, novel experiences contributed to Brian’s addiction to sex.

Many sexual compulsives with ADD have had experiences like Brian’s. They struggled in school because they got bored or had a hard time paying attention. Once bored, they would stare out the window, often caught up by sexual fantasies. As adults, relationships are difficult for them. Impulses carry them from project to project, relationship to relationship, job to job. Their minds come screeching to a halt as they try to remember a friend’s name or the location of the escort they visited last night. Most feel the self-loathing of people who are working under capacity, and experience the pain and grief of living a life of lost opportunities and diminished personal potential.

Deregulation and Deprivation

Deregulation and impulsiveness are the hallmarks of ADD, as well as the hallmark of sex addiction. Unable to set boundaries on their own behavior, ADDers feel an intense need to continue forever whether it is on a work project or an involvement in a sexual enactment. One definition of compulsion may very well be “a loss of control characterized by an intense desire to continue despite adverse consequences.”

A sense of deprivation then emerges when compulsive sexualizing does not provide the gratification and satisfaction that results from having the experience of natural pleasure as it relates to intimacy with another human being. Rather than sex being a way to bring two people closer, sexual enactments for the ADDer can stem from intra-psychic conflict, from a narcissistic need for validation not received in his child’s ADD world, and as a way to medicate the physiological symptoms of brain chemistry deregulation. The result is that sex takes up a disproportionately large place in his psychic equilibrium. His very sense of self depends on his sexuality.

Deprivation is not a feeling that is comfortable for the ADD/sex addict. He is a bottomless pit of needs, always looking ahead and never feeling satisfied. The simpler pleasures of life are too mild. Risky, novel, intense and mysterious experiences such as those provided by Internet porn match his voracious appetite. Sex with a spouse seems banal. Marriages are ruined. Unfortunately, trying to feed the monster of endless needs makes the need grow larger and more insistent so the ADD/sex addict sets a vicious cycle in motion. Despite endless hours looking at cybersex, no amount is ever enough. Sex addicts/cybersex addicts are rarely sated and live daily with a sense of unsatisfied longing.

Mood and Emotion

There are problems with mood and emotion regulation and stabilization in ADD and sex addicts. ADD/sex addicts often say they live on emotional roller coasters – the need for risk and intensity in life and in sexuality is ever-present. For the ADDer, feeling states fluctuate with extreme alterations in the highs and lows over hour or even minutes. Maintaining emotions on an even keel is an intricate process involving fine adjustments by different parts of the brain and nervous system. Since setbacks throw ADDers off balance easily, they may try to adjust their instability with a sex/internet binge to balance mood and brain chemistry. The release of endorphins and dopamine from sex temporarily settles the physical, emotional and biochemical roller-coaster that many ADDers experience on a daily basis.


The ADD mind drifts hither and yon. It daydreams, wanders and drifts among loosely and tenuously connected thoughts, often moving to sexual fantasies that quell its restless energy. This is the famous “distractibility” of ADD. An ADDer might engage in sexual fantasies when he should be working. The radio in the ADD brain seems to have a malfunctioning scan button that won’t let him switch channels efficiently. The sex addict’s solution is to stay tuned to one channel only and it is usually sexual fantasy to which the channel is set. Once he’s in his compulsive, rigid focus, it’s hard for him to turn off the scan button to redirect. Hence, distractibility is not the only problem; ADDers can also have problems with hyper focusing, or over focusing. Once the person’s attention is captured, he can stay engaged with what he’s doing almost endlessly. Some may not be able to pay attention; ADD sexual compulsives usually can’t stop paying attention. Hours and hours go by, chores don’t get done, children and spouse are neglected, books go unread, the glory of the sound of music is muted. This type of erotic hyper attention can also take its toll in exhaustion, fatigue, and sometimes failing health.

The over- persistence of the sexual compulsive can make switching gears out of the “erotic haze” very difficult. Although this type of self-absorption makes productive/creative work and interpersonal relationships impossible, refocusing is painful. Going from one task that involves excitement, risk, mystery, intensity, soothing and escape is excruciating when taking out the garbage or paying the bills is called for.

Another factor that contributes to sexual addiction for ADDers is that many people with ADD have defective sensory filters that make them experience the world as a barrage to the senses — noises, sights and smells rush in without barriers or protection. When you live with ADD, you may be constantly bombarded with input that others may not even notice. This assault on the senses often creates feelings of intense anxiety and irritation that can trigger sexual acting out. The comfort of the “erotic haze” on the internet or the soothing experience with an escort can ameliorate these incessant barrages of sensory stimuli to the ADD brain.

Impaired Social Skills

Some ADDers have experienced the negative impact of ADD on social adjustment. Many are shy and were not particularly popular in school, especially if learning disabilities have been in the picture. Social ostracizetion has been part of the childhood of many ADDers. As adults, many ADDers have to work very hard to interact effectively in social and work situations. The development of social skills is more an art than a science because we must learn to read the ever-changing reactions of others. If deficient selective attention interferes with paying attention to social cues in order to listen and respond emphatically, the ADDer may feel extremely ill at ease. How much easier to go to a chat room to enter into an eroticized communication where sexuality can be used as a surrogate for real social interactions.


Many ADD children grew up in families in which put-downs, disapproval, personal attacks and threats of abandonment were commonplace events. Punishment and frustration from teachers and taunts from peer groups added to a sense of worthlessness. As an adult, the ADD child judges himself mercilessly and often tries to be perfect in a desperate attempt to shield his shame. He feels deeply ashamed of being “different” due to ADD as well as of being a sexual compulsive – a “deviant”, if he becomes one. Chronic, relentless shame is devastating. Mired in feelings of worthlessness, defectiveness and despair, he is full of doubt about his very validity.

Shame and sex addiction are natural partners. The more intense the pain of self-hatred, the stronger the drive to find a sexual behavior that offers relief from internal pain and emptiness. For the sex addict, the answer to his inner problems lay outside himself in the “magic” of sexual desire, for or from, another. He confuses sexual desirability with self-acceptance. He is trying to fill the void that has been at least partially created by shame. He simply cannot bear feeling empty inside.

ADD temper problems or problems with rage may also stem from this chronic shame. A rageful person is desperate to keep others far enough away so they won’t see his sense of defectiveness. A shamed person can only think to defend himself from real or imagined attacks by cruelly attacking the other person. And rage works. It drives people away and so protects the person from revealing his shame. But this device of using rage to keep people away is very damaging to a person’s self-esteem. Rage breaks the connection between people and so increases the shamed person’s shame. A rage/shame spiral can result. Social isolation lends itself to engrossment in sexual fantasy as a way to ameliorate loneliness.

The person who is shame-based sees himself as deeply and permanently flawed. He “knows” he is not like other persons. He “knows” he is different. He “knows” he is so bad he is beyond repair. He “knows” he will never be able to join others in a world of productivity, balance, self-respect and pride.

Shame and Perverse Sexuality

An early-life sense of shame for being “different” and fear of abandonment can influence the sexual development of an ADD child. Parents who may have been unstable themselves and who had no knowledge of the special needs of an ADD child, may create a shame-based home environment. The messages that the ADD child who has chronic behavior problems, hyperactivity, aggressiveness and learning disabilities receives at home may include:

You are not good;
You are not good enough;
You don’t belong;
You are deficient and disappoint us.
You are not worthy of love.

Shame and sexuality become closely connected. Children shamed early in life may become sexually compulsive or develop perverse fantasies as a way to feel better about themselves. Fetishism may occur. Sadomasochistic fantasies and enactments may become paramount. Exhibitionism may be developed and acted on.

Exhibitionism can easily be a chosen perversion for the person who is shame-based. The person who is shamed, instead of hiding, calls attention to himself. He may expose himself in public, in an automobile or by standing in a window. The ADD child may have suffered from a lack of recognition of his real and valid feelings, wants and needs by parents and teaches who expected him to be other than the way he was. The exhibitionist seeks to redress this lack of recognition. He also uses his perversion as a strategy for dealing with shame by displaying what he really wants to hide – himself.

Sadomasochistic fantasies and enactments are common among shame-based people who have difficulty imagining that relationships can include mutual respect, dignity and pride. People who have grown up with shame, like many ADD people, often believe that fulfilling, exciting relationships must be shame-based. Men pay hundreds of dollars to see dominatrixes who physically humiliate them and repeatedly tell them something is wrong with them. The submissive man, fearing abandonment, tries to please the “mistress” by becoming whoever she wants him to be, no matter how humiliating or de-humanizing her demands may be. The reasoning is such: “If anyone saw the real me, they would be revolted. I must please the mistress by being a person she would be proud of.” Pleasing the dominant parental figure is a way on undoing the pain of having a parent that couldn’t be pleased. The S&M enactment thus turns trauma into triumph because the masochistic man succeeds in pleasing his dominant partner.

Self-abuse is a common result of shame. Here, the person who is deeply shamed engages in masochistic behaviors that damage him. Seeking out the services of a dominatrix who may beat, whip and verbally humiliate him is one such way of self-abuse.

The other side of the S&M coin is the desire to humiliate and administer pain to others. Shame is a threat to a person’s basic sense of being. The shamed person feels small weak, vulnerable and exposed. He may find this self-hatred to be unendurable and in order to survive psychologically, he transfers his hatred on to others, treating them with disdain and contempt.